Trust Yourself

I moved on thereby from his unconcerned attitude and inconsiderate behavior. It all started a few months ago when I finally started to develop feelings for his sweet words which felt like true love to me. I have been reading romantic novels since the tender age of 12. His consistent approach to be with me, made me think that finally the love of my life has appeared and now I can experience the most beautiful feeling in the world.

It all seemed like a fairy tale on the day I said yes to him. The world started appearing beautiful to me and I almost fell in love with everything around. It started bringing out the best in me, since all the negativities in me got vanished and all I could feel was being loved and the need to love him more. We were the same kind of different people who watched the same web series, listened to the same music but had different ways to perceive the world. He was a cunning fox who knew how to play people.

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On the other hand, I was an innocent girl who just wanted to help people and give the best to the world. As it is always said nothing lasts forever, so are the feelings. It was a hard pill for me to swallow but it is also asserted that time makes us habitual to live with the pain, something similar happened to me.

Our beautiful words for each other made us fall in love more and more day by day and that sensitive age of sixteen gave us excitement and goose bumps due to hormonal imbalance. I firmly believed that love is the strongest feeling in the world and it can conquer anything but what happened with our relationship, transformed my perception forever. My love for him stayed pure, clean and unconditional but because of peer pressure and bad company, view of his love changed towards our relationship and he fell more in love with the bed than terrace walks and lunches.

My cards and flowers stopped exciting him, my poetry for him did not make him smile anymore, and wearing his favorite dresses could not grab his attention. All he was in love with now were the sensuality of my lips and curves of my body. But innocence of my heart and purity of my love found it hard to believe and all I wanted was for us to stay happy. So, I kept doing as he said just to make him happy because at that time his smile was the only reason I used to smile.

Our relationship regained charm but lost the purity and innocence because everything done by me was for the sake of love but his reason was temporary pleasure. I somehow convinced my mind to keep going because I did not want to lose something I loved the most but deep inside I realized I have already lost him. I did not let my heart to deliver this fact to my subconscious mind. I believed that he would always respect my insecurities and decisions in the name of love.

It was a normal day and we were making love and a sound popped up out of my heart to say and I did so but he was so involved, he did not even care to listen. After my third resistance, he bothered to listen and it annoyed him. His disrespect towards me, made me question our beautiful memories and affectionate words. It was second night of my life, where I could not sleep because of questions and pain in my heart. First was because of butterflies in my stomach when this relationship started.

I decided to give up this relationship and get myself a break to understand what is happening because it was just not similar to what I have been reading in the romantic novels. Days passed and he did not try to contact me even once. I was alive but my insides were dead. It was the most depressed phase of my life in which I did not know what to do. My appetite decreased and I began losing weight, my grades got worse and I was sleeping 14 hours a day. I lost interest in the things that I loved and most importantly myself. It did not seem like normal anymore.

Keeping aside the self-respect, I contacted him but his carefree laughter, sound of music and girls and his inconsiderate way of talking just made it clear that he no more thinks about me. I felt lonely. I realized just like the bad boys in the movie, he just approached me for a motive, the thing I fell for was not his love but his fakeness and as his motive was achieved, I don’t even matter to him now. A year passed after we broke up, but I lost myself completely, ‘the charming me, the topper me, the jolly me, the full of life me’, no longer existed. I lost the faith in humanity. I thought a lot to give up but God’s plan is always beautiful.

I met a guardian angel in the form of my therapist after a year of extreme anxiety, depression and loneliness. That woman, to whom I went for career counselling, taught me millions of things about life. It is true when you are a nice person you learn the lessons of life in a hard way. Logic made me realize, that cunning fox never loved the real me and played me just like he plays everyone. I decided never to trust words of people again, no matter how many times they swear upon them.

I made a decision to love myself more than anyone else in this world because self-love makes one strong enough to deal with all troubles in this world. Since I was a victim of narcissistic abuse, it took a lot of time for me to practice self-love but somehow I did it and became an emotionally independent person.

Though that relationship broke my heart but it also gave me the most important lessons of life to never blindly trust anyone, never fall for beautiful words just observe actions of the next person, always make yourself a priority in life and no matter what happens, believe that there is something inside you that is powerful than any pain of this world and keep moving on, build an empire and become so successful that you forget about such black sheep that come in your life and they regret doing bad to you and be proud of yourself and what happened to you for it made you smarter, wiser and stronger.

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